Bafflesby Employability Guidance (BEG)

We at BEG share a burning belief in work as a one-way street to liberty, equality and universal brotherhood. We are passionate about this because we speak from experience. We have steady jobs and want to spread the glad tidings to those in Bafflesby who haven’t – work can set you free!

As social creatures our deepest desire is to be part of a winning team firing on all cylinders. We yearn to belong, knowing that together we are greater than the sum of our parts. But when we – or rather, you – are still on the lowest rung of the ladder, our – well, your – first taste of teamwork will be as a mere cog on a big wheel.

Those at the bottom often perform their tasks without knowing why and seldom see the end product of their labours. School-leavers are familiar with this and will feel at home right away, of course, but if you have experienced the world of work you may have soaked up other attitudes. Perhaps you’ve heard that old folk mantra, ‘Find a job that suits you.’

We say, ‘Nice work if you can get it, Granny, but youngsters in today’s competitive marketplace should suit themselves to the job.’

Put bluntly, you can’t be a square peg in a round hole. You have to fit in. You must be ready to work all hours, wear an embarrassing uniform, change work practices at the drop of a hat, do whatever you’re told without demur and smile no matter what. Employers want a happy workforce and are happy to sack anyone who isn’t.

Fortunately, there are many ways to prepare yourself for this brave new world. Cook a meal but don’t eat it. Get ready for a party but don’t invite anyone. Decorate a room, lock the door and throw away the key. Remember you live in a 24/7 world, so set your wake-alarm for random times day and night. If you can’t stop hitting Snooze, consider a GPS-generated klaxon-implant. Prepare for zero-hours contracts by doing absolutely nothing for ages and ages followed by sudden, brief, random bursts of activity. If prolonged inaction bores you, give your CV yet another tweak.

For help untweaking your CV, call our Testimonial Rewrite Assist Secure Hotline (TRASH) to find out about our award-winning gold-star emergency-rescue service.

We recommend wearing clown costumes around the house. Once you pluck up the courage to answer the door in them, you’ll soon be walking the streets without a single stab of shame. Drop objects of increasing weight on your bare toes while monitoring your smile in a mirror. Tie shoelaces with unfamiliar knots. Perform routine acts blindfolded. Practise getting dressed in the dark.

Remember that all these exercises are dummy-runs for the real thing, so expect to feel like a dummy. You may also feel:

sick                confused               humiliated         weird              isolated              alienated

lonely            peculiar                 rejected               lost                  broken                invisible

stupid            unappreciated    forgotten            hopeless         feeble                  useless

Don’t worry. It’s normal to experience one or more of these symptoms during your acclimatisation to the world of work. Feel them all simultaneously and you may be close to despair, however, at which point cut out the homework and watch an escapist movie. Avoid hobbies with a carefully-crafted finished product, because they can lead to dissatisfaction with a working day where you produce nothing of any value. Don’t attempt original or unorthodox leisure activities in case they interfere with dull and repetitive work routines. Far safer to consume crap on TV and surf the net for amusing pictures of cats!

Watching Breaking News cycle endlessly with no analysis is the perfect way to prepare for a job you don’t understand and can never complete. Ignore complicated questions about vanishing species, melting icesheets, acid oceans, weather disruptions, arid farmlands and toxic air. None of these is your fault. In fact, forget all about sustainable ecology. Just remember that your only chance of sustainable employment is full-steam-ahead economic growth which encourages the rich to go out and spend their buried treasure.

Try to forget how hard you worked during your education. Academic values count for little in the real world. Graduates can become excellent baristas. And most anthropology graduates work for corporations that employ their knowledge to sell goods and services to the human lab-rats and guinea pigs they once studied with wide-eyed wonder. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Perhaps you already have. If your coffee break is the only thing you look forward to at work, wait until nobody’s looking and take a discreet internet trawl through The World’s Worst Jobs. This should help you count your blessings … but if any of them are better than yours, consider applying.

 

Bafflesby Employability Guidance (BEG)
an Offshaw & Gonn jobseekers service
https://globetrotters.org.com
noreply@boxnumber.xyz
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17 thoughts on “Bafflesby Employability Guidance (BEG)

  1. Join a bee-hive, and await your scheduled allotment of honey. You cannot exist without it. Your selected hive will sustain you. This is the Land of the Free, where independence and self-sufficiency are attained by abiding the decrees of people who you depend on for money so you can spend that money on sustenance from the labyrinthine aisles of Wal-marts and super-markets that have optometrists, pharmacists, bank-tellers, and auto-mechanics waiting at the ends of aisles stuffed with Made In China microwaveable food and work-out outfits made of neo-plasticene fabric.

    1. So glad you added this mini-satire after reading my post. You have managed to encapsulate a whole world in your extended metaphor. When I was young, I was fascinated by the alien perspective. One radio programme had a regular slot where an alien described various human activities – sport, work, shopping, you name it – to hilarious effect. Then there was Mister Spock and Robin Williams’ astonishing Mork. It’s all about increasing the angle of view. Thanks again for your sideways look!

    1. Happy you liked it, Opher, had a feeling you might! Love your suggestion, too, a new slant on self-publishing? What I like about doing satire is you never quite know what you’re targetting until you make the leap, which is exciting and so much fun!

  2. Even though this is satire, some things in here are agreeable, genuine notions. The part about forgetting what my academic values seem likely for philosophy majors like me.

    1. Thanks for making this point. I don’t just want to be negative and try to include at least an echo of the positive so that the satire has an inspiring as well as a purging effect. As usual, Nietszche has something to say on the subject … ‘The great despisers are the great reverers.’ That’s my excuse, anyway!

  3. Wise words, Dave. I am going to run right over to McDs and suggest they be posted on the staff notice board. The only thing that needs to be eliminated is the one about applying for a better job. Too much hope there. (As always, your satire is appreciated.) –Curt

    1. Haha, wouldn’t want to suggest too much light at the end of the tunnel! The ‘better’ job would still be one of the world’s worst … and other burger chains are available! Cheers, Curt!

  4. Dave, I suspect you spend a lot of time surfing the internet for amusing pictures of cats and this post is an attempt to justify that pastime. each to his own I say . .
    all the best,
    Steve

    1. Rumbled, dammit! But ya gotta admit da liddle kitty’s kute, doncha?
      If you must know, the post was a desperate attempt to escape crap TV.
      It worked … for a while.
      Best wishes,
      Dave

  5. You wrote a nice post to escape from TV.. hehe
    Although you were sadly right about having to become whatever your job needs you be in today’s harsh competitive environment. being square peg in the round hole don’t work as easily, finding a job you love is good but difficult after all. :/

    1. Unfortunately, for too many people in the world, work is a four-letter word … #$£% ! People’s natural intelligence is wasted when their jobs lack variety and more equality would improve things all round – the answers are economic and, in the end, political. Ah well, never mind, as long as we have bread and circuses … thanks for your response, Hemangini

      1. I don’t think the world of job is going to change any soon.. It’s a dark world out there and creativity and variety is limited to only few jobs… Good thing we have internet for that now..

        Your welcome 🙂

        1. You’re right, the situation remains gloomy. That’s why I get as much fun as I can from satirising it. The worst thing is to shrug and accept it. Work would be done better if people enjoyed their jobs and felt they were important – far too much inhumanity in the workplace. Idealism may not do any good but it makes me feel better. 🙂

          1. same pinch…. I also feel workplaces feel the worst when you just shrug and accept that as “that’s how it is” :/ Makes me feel like writing on it. Idealism does make it feel a bit better, to be ourselves is best… whatever others do, what to do, can’t change them :/

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