Category: humour

Press Statement

It has been brought to my attention that a nomad in cyberspace has published nothing for more than a week. I have ordered an internal inquiry into this unfortunate situation and will leave no stone unturned in my absolute determination to find out what has gone wrong.

I take full responsibility for any failures, of course, and my first action will be to relieve them of their failed responsibilities. There is no room for dead wood on this blogsite, I can assure you, and if anyone isn’t pulling their weight they can sling their hook. No department is beyond the scope of this root-and-branch investigation, from Research & Development to Concept Realisation – wherever the blockage is and whoever is causing it, I’ve got your number.

We at nomad are very proud of our product and can only apologise for this ongoing hold-up scenario in new-post production. We are sorry. Those responsible, when we find them, will be even more sorry.

Let me be clear. There will be no more wonderings – or wanderings, for that matter, zig-zag or otherwise. From now on it’s going to be all straight lines and sharp corners. We owe it to our loyal customer base to deliver and deliver hard. Hard and fast. Hard, fast and furious.

I’m furious. I’m furious that this has happened … or rather, not happened on my watch. Let me be clear. I may have taken my eye off the ball, believing in all good faith that those I had entrusted with the job of running with it weren’t kicking it into the bushes while I was … or rather, wasn’t watching.

But let me be clear. Now that I’ve got the damn ball rolling again we’ll be up and running in no time. Just need to drain the swamp and bring in some fresh blood. So to speak.

One thing’s for sure. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve still got a job to do.


Image result for the buck stops here



Comic Cuts

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They say a picture paints a thousand words.
Well, I’ve got a complaint to make.
This one only has two.

Unless there are more round that corner where we can’t see them.
Don’t know about you but I’m convinced we’re not being told the whole truth.
All the pictures we see only show what the artist or photographer wants us to see.
What about all the stuff that’s just out of view?
What are they trying to hide?

Another thing.
What’s so funny about people having nothing to be thankful for?
Is the utter failure to provide customer satisfaction something to be laughed at?

No, my online friends, instead of giggling over cartoons in darkened rooms we should be taking to the streets and demanding answers.

Where are all the other words? What’s round that bloody corner? Why are other people behaving so strangely? Did we miss a meeting? And why are we being lead by idiots pretending to be geniuses? Or are they geniuses pretending to be idiots?

Either way, we’re scuppered!

Our only hope is that somehow there dwell amongst us true visionaries who see into the heart of things and can guide us away from the dark abyss of error and forward into broad, sunlit uplands … er, Winston Churchill quote, besides he’s no longer with us … yes, my virtual compatriots, true visionaries like the chirpy unsung hero of these few short scenes:

Which current world leader can boast the 100% approval rating this little guy achieves? The man under the piano failed to provide his customer-experience scores before our deadline so we have excluded him from the survey.

Next:  Why laughing is bad for you – official report



All Ears

Sitting on the seat at the front of the bus is fun. You get to watch the road ahead which helps to pass the time. You also get to hear snatches of conversation from people about to get off. Here is a fragment from midnight last night which got me wondering how the conversation continued:

He:      So what did you expect from this evening?

She:    That elusive spark.

Have you overheard any intriguing titbits recently?


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Image: Beer: Simple


There will now be a short interlude …

Ten days between posts constitutes a break in transmission. Keen not to make a bad Impression and anxious to avoid “dead air” while still struggling to think of anything to broadcast, I will emulate the 1950s practice of good old Auntie BBC and fill the gap with an Interlude.

The principle, it seems, was to calm the audience who might otherwise get carried away with the excitement of continuous mental stimulus. In those days, with only one television channel, we had to sit through whatever tedium they chose to inflict upon us. But now, sensitive as I am to the modern preference for choice, here is a selection of interludes for your viewing pleasure.

If you have time to kill, you may choose to watch them all. If, however, you are pressed for time you may want to skip to the final example – a fairly brief spoof version from the 1990s.

As they used to say, don’t get square eyes …

Shock and Awe

For my final comedy clip, I’ve chosen a few moments that barely raise a laugh … more of a gasp, if truth be told. Very few comedians before or since can rival Bill Hicks in sheer, dangerous, furious bravery and this short sequence is something of a masterclass in satire.

The words are spare and there is as much mime as message. He doesn’t preach or hector – at least, not here – but simply allows the story imagery to do its work. His silences draw us in, making us complicit in calling a whole world of moral priority into question and leaving us with nagging discomforts that may yet – who knows? – translate into worldwide policy changes. We should Pursue such ideals with a vengeance.

I’m not holding my breath, though …

Pride Cometh Before A Fall

Here are two funny moments from the BBC sitcom Only Fools And Horses. We laugh at Del Boy’s attempt to impress the ladies and at his younger brother Rodney’s attempt to regain his lost dignity. You may have seen these before but it’s well worth focussing on the seriously deluded character Trigger who provides the comic foil in both clips and whose lugubrious, straight-faced clowning is so vital to the humour in each. There’s a sweet innocence about Trigger that contrasts with the brothers’ slightly Bitter edge …

In The Art Gallery

The fourth in my series of comedy moments features Peter Cook and Dudley Moore from their ground-breaking 1960s sketch-show Not Only … But Also. Their wild and zany humour was a refreshing change from the rather buttoned-up comedy of the time – Spike Milligan always the honourable exception, of course – and we particularly looked forward to their Pete & Dud routines, broadcast live in front of a real studio audience.

This left them excitingly vulnerable and Exposed. You never knew what would happen and neither, half the time, did they – although how much was planned and how much was spontaneous is still a moot point. Peter admitted that he tried to make Dudley laugh and it’s obvious in both of these extracts that the latter is trying hard not to – but if all this strikes you as rather juvenile, please remember that we were still at school and had to battle fits of the giggles in front of solemn and frequently pompous teachers almost every day …