Better Late Than Never

Yes, it’s been seven months since I last posted on WordPress. Long enough, I suppose, for people to unfollow me.

It will be interesting to see if anyone reads this. Any response will certainly encourage me to post some more.

Here is another of my little dialogues, written to be shared with less enthusiastic readers.

FANCY DRESS SHOP

Welcome, sir, please put your umbrella down and tell me how I can help you on this very rainy Saturday morning!

Well, you see, a friend of mine has invited me to his fancy-dress party tonight and I’m looking for something fun to wear.

He must have sent out a lot of invitations, sir.

Oh, how do you know that?

Because they’ve all come in here and hired costumes.

Yes, I thought the shop looked rather bare. I do hope it’s not too late to get a fun outfit.

Well, sir, we have a gorilla costume that always seems to make people laugh.

Wouldn’t that make it hard for me to eat and drink?  My friend is a very good cook, you see.

The mouth opens and closes, sir.  You could eat with a long spoon and sip drinks through a big straw.

Other people might enjoy watching that but I don’t think it would be so much fun for me. Also, all that thick fur would be very hot.

You could make sure the drinks you sip are very cold.

Well, what other costumes do you have?

What about going dressed as a ghost?

Goodness me, a ghost doesn’t even have a mouth!  Besides, my friend is quite easily scared.

I suppose that means you won’t be going as a Tyrannosaurus Rex?

You are right there!

Or an alien from the planet Zum Zee?

Certainly not!  Do you have anything a bit less frightening?

Well, sir, Smurfs are rather cute.

I don’t want to paint my face blue, thank you very much!

You could go as an astronaut.  That’s a great look!

Yes, you’re right, but there’s no air in space and so the helmet is completely sealed.  You couldn’t eat or drink at all.  And how would you speak and listen to people through a glass window? 

Hand signals?

That sounds even less fun than feeding myself with a long spoon!

Perhaps you could take the helmet off while you’re eating and talking.

Then I’d just look like a man in a silver suit.  Do you have any other ideas?

Well, I certainly won’t be suggesting our deep-sea diver outfit!

I’m glad to hear that!

Nor our SpongeBob SquarePants costume!

Thank you for not mentioning it.  But I still need something to wear tonight.

How about going as a pirate?

Oh no, I could never wear a beard because I really am very ticklish!

I’m afraid your friend’s party guests have taken all our other costumes, sir.

Yikes, what on earth am I going to … wait a minute, what about that blue cape hanging on the back of the door over there?  I could go as a superhero, wearing a little mask just like Batman does.  I have a blue t-shirt, a pair of blue tights and some stylish blue underpants at home.  The outfit would be just perfect!

Oh dear, sir, that cape is mine!   I was going to wear it on the way home to keep myself nice and dry.

Don’t worry, you can borrow my umbrella!

But what about you, sir?  It’s really pouring out there!  Won’t you get wet?

Ho-Ho, not if I wear my superhero cape!  Keeping dry is one of my new superpowers, don’t you know?

Ha-Ha, that’s really is very witty!  I think you will go down a storm with the other people at your friend’s party. 

Go down a storm – that’s a good joke, too!

No, I really did mean it because you say such amusing … ah, storm as in rainstorm … yes, I see what you mean.  Have fun at the party, sir!

Thank you, Mister Shopkeeper, I will!

THE END

PS When I posted this, a link to a previous post popped up. 14 people liked it. If the idea of fancy-dress appeals, you might like to hit it. Here it is:

Fancy Dress Shop

Dialogue 12

Another playlet for shared reading …

Hello there, my friend, fancy meeting you here!  I thought you were intending to come yesterday?

Yes, I was, but you’ll remember that it was absolutely bucketing down!  You can’t really enjoy fairground rides in the rain, now, can you?

Oh, I don’t know, it doesn’t make much difference with the water rides!  The log-flume, the river-rapids, shoot-the-chute … I mean, getting splashed is half the fun!

Well, it is different when you choose to get wet,isn’t it?

Yes, I see what you mean.  So, what have you been on today?

Nothing yet, I’ve only just arrived.

Oh, I’ve been here for quite a while.

What rides have you been on?

None of them, yet. I’ve been visiting some of the food stalls.  I didn’t have any lunch before I came, you see.

Yes, I noticed they have a great selection.  Street food, hot dogs, candy floss, fizzy drinks, popcorn, toffee apples … What did you choose?

Bit of a mixture, actually…

Hey, if you’ve not been on any rides yet, why don’t we go on them together?  That roller-coaster looks exciting.  Listen, you can hear everyone shrieking with pleasure!

Yes, well, why don’t we start off with something a bit gentler?  How about those little stalls where you can win soft toys?  Hoop-la, ball-in-the-bucket, tin-pan-alley, the coconut shy?

Oh dear, I’m rather shy when it comes to throwing things!  I really don’t want to hit anyone, you see!  But I am quite good at hook-a-duck…

Oh no, I can never keep the pole still enough!

Gosh, isn’t it hard to choose something we both want to do? I’m guessing you won’t be wantingtoo much motion for a while.  Bumper-cars, pirate-ship, merry-go-rounds, that sort of thing?

A little later, maybe, though I’d definitely be up for a different sort of excitement!  You know, the haunted house or the ghost train!

Oh, my goodness, will there be cobwebs?

Almost certainly!  Don’t you love getting spooky little surprises?

To be perfectly honest with you, that isn’t my number-one activity.  But wait a minute, all that food you’ve eaten should be turning into extra energy right around now!  How about trying that Test-Your-Strength machine over there?

The one with the hammer and the bell?

That’s the one, you go first!

OK … Ding! … Whoops, I seem to have broken it!

No, no, you got a maximum score! Wow, you should see your face!  You look so proud!

Really? Do you have a mirror?

Well, amazingly, the Hall-of-Mirrors is rightbehind you!

What does that sign above the door say?  I’ve forgotten my glasses.

“All ye that enter here, come and see your true selves!”

Quick, let’s go in before my facial expression changes! 

I’ve got a funny feeling it won’t matter whatexpression you have on your face in there.  The mirrors will do all your work for you.

Can’t wait to see my true self!  I wonder what I really look like?

                                        THE END

 

Dialogue 11

Here is a another dialogue for reading practice, with a slightly subversive touch!

Good morning, is this where I can apply to be a Superhero? … I’m sorry, did you hear what I said?

Oh yes, I was just waiting to see if mind-reading was one of your Superpowers. Obviously not, so I can put a cross next to it, there!  Now then, what special skills do you have? … Pardon me, I didn’t quite catch that!

I didn’t say anything. I was just wondering if you could read my mind.

Oh no, I just work here, asking applicants like yourself these questions. They need to know what you’re good at, you see, before they consider you for entry to their Superhero Club.

What I’m good at? Oh dear, I don’t like to blow my own trumpet!

Oh, you’ll get used to it, they all blow their own trumpets here!

OK, well, people do say I’m a really good cook. Last birthday, my family gave me a kitchen apron with Super Cook written on it.

Right, let’s see … I thought not, Super Cooking isn’t down on my list of recognised accomplishments. What about something a little more out-of-the-ordinary … you know, such as see-through vision or flying faster than sound or tunnelling through solid rock?

Well, it isn’t everybody who can organise a successful dinner party, is it? I mean, you have to cater for your guests’ individual tastes and make sure they all get along together. There really is nothing I love better than making people happy, you know, and nothing makes people happier than the combination of delicious food and good company.

What you could call a Super Host, perhaps?

Why, yes, I suppose you could!

Sounds great, too, although it’s not down on the list. Don’t you have any other possible qualifications?

You mean, skills that are more unusual?

Yes, more unusual, that’s exactly what I mean!

OK, let me think … Well, somebody once told me that I’m unusually good at listening to people talk about their problems and then at giving them helpful advice. Would you say that’s a bit like mind-reading?

Not if they’ve just told you about it to your face!

They often find it hard to explain exactly what they mean, though. You sometimes need to read between the lines.

No, that’s not on my list either. Oh, excuse me, I need to answer this call. Good morning, Superhero Reception … Hello, Superguy, I hope you’re having a nice … Sorry, what did you … You need your costume right now? … Well, I’ve got most of those stubborn stains off but there’s still … Yes, I know it’s urgent but … Yes, you’re quite right but … Well, I suppose I could stay late and try to … Oh dear, he’s slammed the phone down! I hope he hasn’t damaged it with his Superstrength. That would be another job and I’m so behind already. Captain Fantastic’s cape needs darning and Aquagirl’s wetsuit needs waterproofing and … and …

You’d think a group of people who pride themselves on their special superpowers could work together to sort out such ordinary little problems! Perhaps they’re too proud to admit weaknesses to each other. If you stopped running around after them so much, they might benefit from working together. You know, become a real Club for Superheroes!

My goodness, that’s so thoughtful and … and, yes, helpful of you. I reckon this place could do with someone like that. And, do you know what, I’ve just remembered that the final item on my list is Others?

Other powers, you mean?

Yes, that’s right, so I’m just going to add … these! Could you check them for me? Spelling never was one of my superpowers!

You’ve written Kindness and Kommonsense. Apart from the second K, they’re perfect! But will they be accepted as Super, do you think?

Separately, no, but together … Let me be the first to welcome you!

                               THE END

Dialogue 10

Here’s another little two-handed drama, meant for reticent readers and elder encouragers. First one in a while. More to come…

Lovely weather today!

I’m sorry, did you just say something?  Only, I couldn’t hear you for the sound of rain drumming on the roof of this shelter.

I said, lovely weather today!

Yes, lousy, isn’t it?

No, not lousy, lovely!

Lovely, did you say?

Lovely weather for ducks, I mean.

Ah, I see, you were joking!

Oh no, I’m being quite serious, because I often come down here to the park to watch them.  I especially enjoy seeing their antics when it’s raining.

What do you mean, antics?

Well, they seem to love it.  The wetter, the better!  Look how they’re shaking their heads and tails and flapping their wings.

They’re probably trying to get themselves dry.  I mean, who could blame them?  This is a real downpour!

But if they didn’t want to get wet, they’d be trying to shelter under trees and bushes.  Don’t forget, they have waterproof feathers.

Wish I did, because my hair is all bedraggled!  The weather forecast said it was going to be sunny today, so I left my hat and raincoat at home.

Yes, I heard that too.  To be honest with you, I was rather disappointed.

You mean, you actually wanted it to rain?

Well, yes, but only for the sake of the ducks!  I know how much fun they have when it rains, you see, especially when there’s a real cloudburst like this one.

Do you think it’s going to rain for long?  There are lots of little jobs that need to be done.

Don’t worry, they’ll still be waiting for you when the rain finally stops!

Oh dear, there’ll be even more jobs to do by then!  And all I can do is sit here and fret about not being able to get on and do them!

Well, perhaps if you’re here and not there, someone else will do them.  Or maybe they’ll turn out not to need doing at all.

Ooh, that would be nice!

And, in the meantime, you could just sit here with me and watch the ducks.  The only job they have to do is splash around in water.

They need to hunt around for things to eat, though, don’t they?

Yes, indeed, and that’s another reason why they love the rain.  You see, all the earthworms come up to the surface when it’s wet and the ducks will be waiting for them.

Hmm, easy pickings, you might say!

Exactly!  Oh, just look at those fluffy little ducklings frolicking around in that great big puddle!  They’re having a whale of a time, aren’t they?

Oh yes, they’re going absolutely quackers!

Hey, nice joke, you’re sounding more relaxed already!

If the ducks can have a good time in the rain, well, why shouldn’t I?

Thinking of joining them?

Oh no, I’m quite happy with a ringside seat, thank you!

Do you know what, I think it’s stopped raining?

Great, let’s go outside and watch them from close quarters!

After you … er, duck!

Where? Ouch … just hit my head on this low doorframe!

Well, I did try to warn you …

                                      THE END

Dialogue 9

Here is another little dialogue, written to be shared with reticent readers. The idea behind this one comes from a comedy show I heard on the radio, as a child.

ASTRONAUT

Calling Astronaut 42XB, this is Mission Control speaking! Calling Astronaut 42XB, are you receiving me? Over.

Crackle … crackle … hello, Mission Control, this is Astronaut 42XB receiving you loud and clear! Over.

Thank goodness, Astronaut 42XB, we’ve been trying to reach you for ages! Your signal faded away for some reason. Over.

That would be because I entered a large building where a great many inhabitants of this planet were gathered together. Over.

Oh dear, you would be very noticeable in your bright green spacesuit! Remember the rules about not drawing attention to yourself? Over.

Hmm, you’ve forgotten that this planet’s air is breathable! I’m just dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, like everyone else. Over.

But you would still look very different from them! Over.

Oh no, I used face paint to disguise my green skin. Anyway, don’t you want to hear about what I observed there? Over.

Yes, of course, Astronaut 42XB … go right ahead!  Over.

Well, this huge crowd was watching a small group of individuals rush around a beautiful green space. Half the individuals were clothed in red, the other half in blue. A person in black seemed to be in charge. Over.

It sounds like some kind of dancing performance.  Over.

More like a battle, actually.  The reds competed with the blues to move a small white creature with black spots around the green area. Over.

Did they pick this creature up with their hands?  Over.

Sometimes, but mostly pushed it around with their legs. Over.

You mean, they kicked it? Over.

Yes, Mission Control, often quite hard. Over.

How dreadful, the poor creature!  Perhaps they were punishing it for some bad behaviour. Did you feel like trying to rescue it? Over.

At first, yes, but then I noticed the reds and blues pushing and kicking each other too. When they did, the person in black would give a shrill shriek and the small creature was placed on the ground. Then everyone stopped moving for a while.

Aha, that would be the small creature’s chance to escape! Over.

It never did, just waited there to be kicked again. And when the creature was kicked right out of the green area, several others of the same species would rush in to take its place. Over.

Ah, maybe they didn’t really mind being kicked around after all? And perhaps the people who won the battle, reds or blues, would be the ones who gave them the largest number of kicks? Over.

Oh, I forgot, they tried to get the small creatures into cages! When this happened, they weren’t imprisoned for long. And at the very end a person in red picked up the creature he’d just kicked into the cage and gave it a great big kiss. All the watchers cheered, well, the ones dressed in red did. Over.

And then was it over? Over.

You know, I’m sure there was an echo on the signal just then! Yes, then it was over. Over.

You’re right, Astronaut 42XB, and before the signal fades again we must congratulate you on your report today. We haven’t understood a single word, of course, but that’s not your fault – they sound like a funny bunch on that third planet from the sun. Over and out!

Thanks, Mission Control, over and out!

 THE END

Dialogue 8

Another short conversation for shared reading …

MOVIE HOUSE

Good morning, sir, and welcome!

Thank you.  Is this where you can buy tickets to see a movie?

Yes indeed, sir, you have come to the Summertown Multi-Screen Movie-House ticket office!

Only I thought at first that it was a sweetshop!

Oh, well, these are all the snacks that our customers like to eat while they are watching a movie.

Goodness me, all that crunching and rustling must be very noisy!

We only sell quiet food in low-noise wrappers, sir, and anyway the movie soundtrack is quite loud.

I’m very glad to hear that.

You will hear it, sir, very clearly!  Which movie do you want to see … and hear?

I’m not sure.

We have several to choose from.  The great thing about working here is that I get to see all the movies for free!  What kind of movie do you like, sir?

Well, it’s not just for me.  As a special treat, I would like to book seats for the whole family.  Can you suggest a movie that everyone would enjoy?

Hmm, let’s see, how about Blooming Heck!  There’s this flower shop where they don’t get many customers because slugs are starting to eat the plants.  Well, nobody wants to buy chewed flowers, do they?

Oh dear, I don’t think my grandchildren would be very interested in that one!  Do you have anything else?

There’s a cartoon called Operation Orange!

They might like that. And cartoons can appeal to adults as well as children, can’t they?  We’ve all watched Bambi together, as well as Moana and Frozen.  All those movies had very interesting and enjoyable storylines.  What is Operation Orange about?

Baked beans.  They don’t want to be eaten on toast for tea, you see, and so they –

No, no, I’m not spending two hours watching that, thank you very much! 

Well, then, we have a movie called Shepherd’s Delight.  A farmer can’t decide how many sheep he’s got and so he starts to experiment with different ways of working out the numbers but his sheep keep moving about and so he starts to sing to them and –

A musical about counting sheep?  Why, that would send everyone to sleep!  Haven’t you got a movie that the whole family would enjoy?

Well, sir, there is one that has just come in.  It’s called The Big Choice but I haven’t seen it yet so I don’t know what it’s about.  Do you want me to find out for you?  I can look it up online, if you like.

Yes, please do.

Ok, let’s see, won’t be a moment … ah, yes, here it is!  The Big Choice is about a family who go out together as a special treat to see a movie but when they get to the Movie-House they can’t decide which one to see because they all have different favourites and so they …

Yes, go on, what do they do?

Aha!  I don’t want to spoil the story for you by giving it away, now do I, sir?

You’re quite right!  Seven tickets, please!  I can’t wait to find out what they do!  And who knows, it might even help me decide.

THE END

Dialogue 7

Here’s my latest attempt to interest the uninterested! The basic idea for this one came from a children’s book my grandkids enjoy. I’ve put my own spin on it, if you see what I mean!

UP, UP AND AWAY!

Hello?

Hello, you’re through to our Customer Services department.  How may I help you today?

Well, I’d like to make a complaint about one of your mail-order products.

I see.  Hasn’t it arrived yet?

Oh yes, it came this morning, I’m rather wishing it hadn’t.

Why, was it broken?

Oh no, it was in perfect working order!  That was part of the problem, you see.

Right, just let me get this straight. You say that the product has arrived in perfect working order?

That’s correct.

I see … or rather, I don’t see!  From what you’ve told me, so far, there doesn’t seem to be much cause for complaint.

Well, so far, I haven’t told you the half of it!

Yes, I had a feeling there was more to come. Which of our products was it?

A trampoline.

The SuperBounce Special, by any chance?

That’s the one!

Ah yes, our most popular model with a great many satisfied customers!

Really?  Well, I’m really disappointed with it.

Oh, I’m very sorry that it didn’t come up to your expectations.

Ah, but that’s the problem, it did!  Actually, it came up to more than I was expecting.

Do you mean, it was better than you hoped?

No, I mean, it was bouncier than I thought it was going to be. My back garden wall is really high, you see, because I don’t want my dog to get out on to the street … but after just a couple of bounces, I could see right over it.

Actually, that sounds quite exciting for you!

It was actually too exciting for me, because I had to come inside for a little lie-down.  I must have dozed off and that’s when the trouble started.

Somehow, I knew it wasn’t going to end there. What happened next?

My dog must have watched me bouncing because a loud creaking noise woke me up. I looked out of my back window but he was nowhere to be seen.

You don’t think he used the trampoline to escape from your garden, do you?

Well, I’ve not seen him since.  I’m calling you to ask for my money back, plus a little something towards the price of a new dog.  Terriers are very intelligent, you know, and your trampoline was way too bouncy.

If you don’t mind me saying so, he was only following your example.

You mean, I might have led him astray? I wouldn’t like to think … Ah, do please excuse me, there’s someone at the front door. Oh, thank goodness, you’ve found Bouncer! And look how excited he is to be back! How did you know where … Yes, of course, the home address printed on his brand new SuperCollar!  I’m so grateful to you for looking. Goodbye! Hello again, that was –

Yes, I heard! And it’s good to know you were wise enough to purchase one of our SuperCollars. Believe it or not, it’s our most popular model with a great many satisfied customers!

Oh, I can believe it because now I’m one of them!  You sent it with the trampoline, so he’s only been wearing it today. Listen, I’ve had a thought. Let’s forget my complaint about the trampoline, shall we, and pretend that I’m phoning to congratulate you on the collar?

No problem, it’s always good to get positive feedback! And I’ve had a thought, too. Where did you place that trampoline?

By the wall, to stop it tipping over.  Why?

Well, may I suggest you place it in the middle of your garden? Our SuperBounce Special comes with large U-shaped staples to secure it the ground. It won’t tip, no matter how high you bounce!  And that way, your clever dog can enjoy himself without bouncing over that big wall of yours!  Do tell me, why did you call him Bouncer?

He loves to bounce on the beds.  I should have remembered that, shouldn’t I?

Ah well, live and learn, eh? Happy bouncing, both of you!  ‘Bye!

THE END