Tag: humour

The Ones that Got Away!

 

Image result for stingray and people in aquarium

A glance through thickened glass reveals
Queer creatures drifting sadly by.  
Up and down they trail in shoals,
As if they're here but don't know why.
Ray, my flatmate, thinks they're lost - 
It seems they crawled from sea to sand - 
Underwater life they loved but
Maybe not so good on land?

Image result for people through aquarium glass

 

images: Dissolve and Flickr

source: aquarium from https://randomwordgenerator.com

 

 

 

Chemistry Lesson

Word Generator: Your word today is glue.
Me: Urgh, sticky!
WG: You don't have to interpret it literally, you know ...
Me: Hunh?
WG: Could be, say, the glue that holds a top band together. 
Me: You mean a contract?
WG: Philistine! No, I mean the musical telepathy that 
    distinguishes great bands from merely good ones!
Me: Oh yeah, I know, that's when the band actually start looking 
    around to see if there's a fifth member playing with them! 
WG: Not if they're a trio ...
Me: Hey, I do the funny stuff!
WG: Well, get on with it then!

 

going solo – fed the ego
lit the halo – lost the mojo
up & down – career a yoyo
ever after – just a sideshow

 

Nigerian-German Chemicals Wins at SAP Quality Awards - SAP ...

 

 

The Blame Game

Couldn’t resist a quick New Year peek at https://randomwordgenerator.com and as always felt duty bound to go with the featured word, which was limited. Ho hum …

Liberty seems boundless now as I begin my song.
It’s only an illusion, though, and doesn’t last for long.
Manacles of rhyme and rhythm cramp my real voice.
I struggle to break free but really haven’t any choice.
This poem has me in its grip – these words, they are not mine.
Escape, I cry, but creep and crawl towards the end of line …
Delighted to find myself free from dumpty-dums and jingling couplets!

 

Image result for poet in a garret"

 

image: Britannica

Word Hoard

There’s an interesting report in yesterday’s Guardian Review of a new book about word games and literary puzzles which certain authors have used to generate writing. Here’s a link to it – The Penguin Book of Oulipo – and reading this review was food for thought because of my curious preoccupation with ‘found’ words, those that appear whenever I click on https://randomwordgenerator.com

I never let a word go by without trying to use it. Of course the results can be patchy – some words trigger more ideas than others – but I always resist the temptation to skip through for ‘better’ words. Language is a currency which can, all too easily, become devalued.

It’s also a democracy – so here are three recent acrostic poems which I haven’t the heart to turn away from the door. Clerk, Twitch, True. Each little effusion is a poor thing but mine own … 

crack open any word
like an ancient
egg and
recover long lost meanings
killed by thoughtless custom

 

triumph was finally within reach as I presented His Majesty 
with my pièce de résistance - the delicious dish that would
introduce my hitherto criminally-ignored culinary genius 
to le beau monde after way too many years in potwashing obscurity -
chacun à son goût, I chortled, just before the sudden bite of a
horsefly made me dump my steaming-hot chef-d'oeuvre into the Royal Lap!

 

tell me what you
really think
unless you feel
empowered by drink

 

Gertcha!

10 of my recent posts featured Comedy Songs – this hyperlink will take you to the first of them. They seemed to go down well so here’s another amusing ditty – Chas and Dave with a slightly cleaned-up version of their cheerful anthem to an archetypal cockney dad.

The words are printed below. Omitted from the original lyrics, the word ‘cowson’ – a mild term of abuse for one born out of wedlock – and the phrase ‘When the dog’s left a message on the step’ – a gentle enough euphemism, you’d think, but clearly too racy for dear old Auntie Beeb back in the day!

As for the line ‘Sister’s boyfriend put his sister up the club’, well, that suggestive ‘put’ is replaced by a more innocuous ‘take’.

Never mind, plenty left to enjoy! And a timely reminder that once upon a time we Brits could make the world smile – on purpose rather than just by accident …

 

Gertcha

Now there’s a word that I don’t understand
I hear it every day from my old man
It may be Cockney rhyming slang
It ain’t in no school book
He says it every time that he gets mad
A regular caution is my old dad
Rub the old man up the wrong way, bet your life you’ll hear him say
Gertcha, gertcha
Gertcha!
When the kids are swinging on the gate
Gertcha!
When the paperboy’s half an hour late
Gertcha!
When the pigeons are pecking at his seed
Gertcha!
When the barber starts digging up his bean
Gertcha!
Gertcha, gertcha
Bar stool preaching
That’s the old man’s game!
Now the old man was a Desert Rat
Khaki shorts and a khaki hat
How me mother could have fancied that
I just don’t know
But when the enemy came in sight
They gave up without a fight
They rubbed him up the wrong way
This is what they heard him say
Gertcha, gertcha
Gertcha!
When me rock and roll records wake him up
Gertcha!
When the Poles knock England out of the cup
Gertcha!
When the kids are banging on his door
Gertcha!
When the barman won’t serve him any more
Gertcha, gertcha
Bar stool preaching
He’s always been the same!
Gertcha!
Gertcha, 
Gertcha!
Gertcha!
Gertcha!
Gertcha!
Gertcha!
When me mother says he can’t go down the pub
Gertcha!
Sister’s boyfriend put his sister up the club
Gertcha!
When the tomcats, when they’re kicking up a din
Gertcha!
Tottenham Hotspur couldn’t get one in
Gertcha!
When me mother locks him out of the flat
Gertcha!
When it’s raining and he can’t find his hat
Gertcha!
In the mornings when his motorcar won’t go
Gertcha!
Next-door neighbour, when he won’t give him a tow
Gertcha!
Gertcha!
Gertcha!
Gertcha!
Songwriters: CHARLES HODGES / DAVID PEACOCK
Gertcha lyrics © Kobalt Songs Music Publishing, Snout Music Limited