Tag: monologue

Unsocial Climbing – a story in 100 words

You and I, my friends, we stand side-by-side. Others, envious of our beautiful bond, seek to divide us. Look, they shriek, that gulf between my wealth and your poverty!

Don’t let them worry you. Turns out we’re on the same ladder, different rungs is all. Up here it’s raining golden eggs, believe me! Stick around and pick my brain on how to climb good. Things they don’t tell you.

Like they give some folk that can’t climb a helping hand. You elbowed out while these raid the nest. Silent majority won’t squeak, they reckon.

They reckoned without me. Your voice.


Image result for jack and the beanstalk


Image: Math Tutoring & Learning Centers | Mathnasium

Stimulus: majority, raid and brain from https://randomwordgenerator.com/

Time and Tide

D oncha got a clue who I am, occifer?
I were this big ‘fore you was grass-high to a knee-hopper
S o howzabout a little respect where it’s due, huh?
A skin’ a worl’-famous
P ersonage to move on like he were just a
P iece of … ain’t no word of a lie, on the TV
E very single day of the week I were
A t one time … twice on Tuesdays!
R ing your grandma. She’ll remember.


Image result for newspaper in the gutter


Image: The Economist

Stimulus: WordPress Daily Prompt Disappear

Theme (Park) From An Imaginary Western

Here’s another of my occasional Marshal Amp monologues. Yesterday I performed it – or something like it, as I kind of improvise from notes – at a local pub’s Americana night.

Two visitors from the USA were there so I was even more than usually nervous. Their gracious response, typical of so many Americans, brought home how untypical my monstrous stereotype really is!

Howdy, y’all!

They tell ya the good ol’ days is dead and buried. Uh-uh … fake news! Ah’m here to bring ya the good news … they’re back! Them good ol’ days is alive and kicking.

All ya gotta do is get yourself down to Marshal Amp’s Authentic Wild West World!

Ya heard it here first, folks. Au-then-tic. The real deal. I remember sitting on my daddy’s knee and hearin’ his stories about how the West was won. My daddy heard them stories sittin’ on his daddy’s knee. And his daddy heard ’em sittin’ on his daddy’s knee.

Can ya guess where his daddy heard ’em? (Pause.) You got it in one! That was my great-great-great-granddaddy. Got shot in the knee by Billy the Kid. Had to use his other knee for tellin’ them stories.

Only kiddin’ ya, folks, little family joke there! But I ain’t kiddin’ ya about Marshal Amp’s Authentic Wild West World. It’s so good, ya gonna love it!

Tell ya, down there we got the whole kit and caboodle! We got injuns attacking wagon trains. We got the Gunfight at the OK Corral. We got a big bank robbery every single show. We got trick shootin’ from a movin’ horse. And we got all your favourite heroes – Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday, Buffalo Bill …

Yeah, great family show! Good guys in white hats, bad guys in black hats … and plenty of  hangin’s to keep the kids happy!

Very popular, too! Packed to the rafters every show! Complete sell-out so get there early … well, actually … y’all seem a sensible bunch, so I’m gonna level with ya here … the honest truth is, our audience numbers been droppin’ off lately.

Ain’t exactly sure why, folks! So we been doin’ some re-search on that there interweb. Tell ya, they got netsites on there fulla fake news. Get this. (Reads) ‘Wild West Not Wild At All.’

No cowboy hats, no Stetsons! Can you believe it? Reckons they wore bowler hats or beat-up top hats. No check shirts, neither, just thick black clothes they wore for months! Says the injuns was shocked ‘cos they use to wash every day. You ever see an injun take a wash in a movie? But you see plenty cowboys in them tin baths … and them ladies scrubbin’ their backs with them big loofahs!

What else? Oh yeah, injuns didn’t attack wagon trains much … felt sorry for ’em, apparently, tried to help ’em out! Wrote down this figure for ya. Outa every 100 deaths on the trail, only 2 or 3 of ’em caused by injuns. Wait, it gets worse! Reckons the injuns didn’t ride round and round them circles of wagons. Oh no, the only wagon circles was at night to stop the animals escaping!

Oh yeah, no bank robberies neither. Well, 8 in 40 years! That’s, er, one every … five years. Don’t sound right, considerin’ there was 5,600 US bank robberies in the year 2010. And they tell ya the West was s’posed to be less violent than other parts of the country. Homicide rates lower, no big gunfights, no mass hangin’s … sorry, kids!

Listen to this. Gun control was stricter than today. Towns prohibited firearms. Turns out the OK Corral was just one gang goin’ against Tombstone’s anti-firearm rules … and the battle only lasted 30 seconds! If Marshal Amp’s Authentic Wild West World did that, you’d be askin’ for your money back!

Oh, and the guns was mostly cap-and-ball – that’s fancy talk for a marble launched by black powder. Could go anywhere. If I was aimin’ at that buffalo head over there on the back wall, they reckon I’da missed. The only damage woulda been the burns on my shootin’ hand. And no shootin’ competitions, neither, ‘cos they didn’t want nobody knowing they was so bad. Just used to boast how good they was, so you wouldn’t take ’em on!

By the way … Marshal Amp never misses … alternative fact!

This is what we’re up against, see? Turns out the marshals was mostly vigilantes runnin’ protection rackets. Wyatt Earp … big hero of mine … lived off of gamblin’ and maybe pimpin’! The guy he made his deputy, Doc Holliday … another big, big hero … they says he was a hired killer!

They twist it round the other way, too. Says here, outlaws used to moonlight as lawmen. Butch Cassidy … forget that silly movie with the singing, he was one bad dude! … Butch Cassidy was a – get this! – security guard. Huh! Same with Billy the Kid.

Hey, maybe my great-great-great granddaddy got shot tryin’ to rob a bank … only kiddin’ ya!

D’ya know what I think? I reckon this is all one big conspiracy to confuse people, tryin’ to make ’em think for theirselves instead of trustin’ their hearts! And I blame those stupid movies, y’know, Blazin’ Saddles and Midnight Cowboy … nothin’ but farts, fools and faggots! Just tryin’ to muddy the waters …

And talkin’ of Muddy Waters, this here’s a song by him:

(To end on a Crescendo, plays harmonica and sings I’m Ready – great song to sing when you’re pumped up and which includes this apposite verse: I got a action pistol, a graveyard gun / That shoots tombstone bullets wearing ball and chain / I’m drinkin TNT, I’m smokin dynamite / I hope some screwball starts a fight / Yeah I’m ready, etc.)

Thank you, folks, and remember we allus ready to welcome you to Marshal Amp’s Authentic Wild West World! 

Adios, y’all …

Image result for western gunfight

Image: Homework 2 – Yola

Spillin’ the Beans …

Here, for the hell of it, is a peculiar monologue I attempted to deliver yesterday evening at a local pub’s Americana night in the persona of Marshall Amp. It will be quickly obvious that I don’t like this guy which may account for the bemused, somewhat uneasy silence that greeted his appearance.

The phonetic spelling is intended to help the characterisation. Hope it’s easy to read, though I realise it’s rather long and … well, intense. Think I must be trying to exorcise something – not sure what! If you can bring yourself to wade through it, perhaps you can tell me …

It’s OK. ah don’t bite.

Guy down there jus now axed me, Marshall Amp, how come ya allus so fired up? What’s got your goat?

Weren’t the best choice of words. Used to have a goat. Pet goat, name of B-Billy. My m-mom put him in the s-s-stewpot. (blubs a bit, becomes angry) Tell ya what really gets me riled, yeah? The modern world, that’s what. Bring back the good ol days.

I mean, jus went outside fur somethin to eat. You got kee-babs, fish ‘n’ fries, Chi-nese, Eye-talian. Did’n know where to start. Now in the good ol days, it was simple. Pork’n’beans. That’s it. And fur a change, beans’n’pork.

We was poor but we was happy. Knew our place. Ya gotta have poor folk. Else how the rich folk gonna get their money, no poor folk to steal off of? Law of nature, red in tooth and claw, survival of the fattest. (pats stomach) Eat or get eat.

Mind you, I never did eat half of what ah killed. Giraffe, pah! … buffalo … (looks at bison head on the wall) … well, I had a coupla nice steaks off of that beauty … (stooge shouts “It’s plastic!”) … whoa hold on there, ah told ya not to say nuthin, landlord still thinks ah shot her … er, what else? … tiger, pah! … white rhino, pah, pah! … though ya know them big prongs on the front end, powder ’em up an’ crumble ’em into ya coffee, s’posed ta give ya the horn … 

Not that I got any problems in that department, no sirree! Least not since I become famous as a mo-ty-vational speaker, anyways. Tell ya, guys, this job’s a babe-magnet. But I gotta confession t’make t’ya. Believe it or not (confiding), Marshall Amp used t’have a problem talkin to the ladies.

Brung up on a farm, see, miles from anywhere. Never saw no women … ‘cept ma mom. Only company was the critturs. An the only one of them ah could really talk to was … B-Billy. Till ma mom … (overcome)

It’s OK, I’m fine. Thing is, I was lucky. Friend of mine, he give me some advice. See, he was what ya call a lady’s man. Knew what was what, ya get me? Says to me, first thing ya gotta do, find out her name. Maybe Dolores. So you go … Dolores, ah know a bank of flowers near here which is very beautiful … but it’s not half so beautiful as you are … and Dolores, ah know a lake near here which is beautiful by moonlight … but it’s not half so beautiful as your eyes.

Well, as ya can imagine, ah’m very keen to get started so ah mosey on down to the local dancehall an’ ah seen this gorgeous … ah mean, gorgeous woman comin outa the ladies’ powder room on to the centre of the dancefloor.

Yup, the good ol days, when men was men and women women … and this woman was, well, shapely (mimes shape) and … aw, but nowadays ya can’t say nuthin. Po-litical co-rectness gone mad, ah tell ya. Jus now told a lovely lady down there, Ma’am, if ah said ya had a beautiful body would ya hold it against me?

Never expected first contact was gonna be her knee. (rubs inside thigh, winces with pain) Can’t say nuthin, see? Not like the good ol days when ya could say what ya liked … jus so long as you agreed with the sheriff.

Hey, ah’m the sheriff! What say we have a little free speech here? Say whatever you want, jus like the good ol days. Who wants to go first? (hold out microphone) C’mon, folks, your opinion jus as good as mine … unless you’re female. Ha, only kiddin ya! My wife is female. I’m allus tellin her, Darlin, I agree with everythin yur about to say. Cos they allus right, ain’t they, bless em?

Mind you, back in the good ol days … oh yeah, I was jus tellin ya … ah seen this gorgeous woman coming outa the ladies’ powder room on to the centre of the dancefloor so I –

Well I reckon it was the ladies room. Couldn’ read the sign cos ah never learned to read. No call fur it on the farm, see? Don’t hold with all this book-learnin anyways. More ya know, more ya worry. What ya don’t know can’t hurt ya. Let sleepin dogs lie. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Keep it simple, stoopid!

I ain’t stupid. Seen the sign up there on the wall. Person in a frock. And ah seen this gorgeous woman coming out of that ladies’ room on to the centre of the dancefloor.

I say ladies’ room but it weren’t much more’n a bucket in a broom-cupboard. You ever watch those ol cowboy movies and think to yourself, how come they never go to the bathroom? Well, see, in the good ol days we wasn’t allus traipsin off to the can like all you namby-pamby pussies today. We had character, grit, de-termination … ‘sides, the state of some of them places, you wouldn’ wanna go near ’em. I mean, the ladies had it easy, the men’s was jus a plank over a big, deep … but you don’t wanna go there!

So I seen this gorgeous woman coming outa the ladies’ room on to the centre of the dancefloor. Ah’m there in a flash, thinkin name, flowers, lake … name, flowers, lake … over an’ over. And ah go, Ma’am, excuse me but may ah ask yur name? Well, she say, it’s Dolores. Ah’m all Whoo-hoo but ah keep my cool – Dolores, ah know a bank of flowers near here which is very beautiful … but it’s not half so beautiful as you are.

She smiles. So fur, so good. Then ah go, Dolores, ah know a lake near here which is very beautiful … but it’s not half so beautiful as the deep, deep beauty of your beautiful blue eyes.

Well, she’s over the moon. Ah’m over the moon. We both over the moon. But then it come to me. That so-called friend of mine never tol’ me what to say next.

Gotta say somethin … Well, Dolores, you been for a crap then?

See, ah reckon Dolores took a bit of a shine to me but … well, never saw her again. (lower lip wobbles) Aw, shucks, ah’m over it now! As it happens, folks, ah’ve learned a trick or two since those bad ol days. One thing I learned, you ladies jus luurve a guy that’s been unlucky in luurve. Brings out yur carin’ side, I guess. Ya gotta real soft spot for him.

Gonna break yur heart when ya hear but … ah been real unlucky in luurve. Let me tell ya ’bout it …

(Sings a plangent blues)

Thank ya kindly, folks! I been Marshall Amp an’ you been … kinda patient. And remember – a wet bird never flies at night. Adios y’all …


Image result for moonlit lake


Image: SUWalls