Coming from a Shopping Channel Near You …

Sorting through my paper mountain, I unearthed this attempt at cultural exorcism from 2012:

I can’t tell you, my friends, how thrilled I am to be bringing you this next item … There it is … I mean, you only need to look at it to appreciate the quality … Wow, absolutely stunning, with every beautiful detail lovingly crafted by genuine artists … That, for me, encrypts years and years and years of matchless experience … A pure work of art that will not only beautify your home … Not only a precious treasure that will be the envy of all your friends … But an objet d’art that will be a constant delight for you and your loved ones for years and years and years to come … Just look at the charming way it catches our studio lights … Simply gorgeous … No other word to describe this wonderful piece … Not only really unique … Not only a strictly limited edition … Not only are the phone lines on fire tonight but I can tell you here and now that the last time we offered this to our viewers it positively flew away … I kid you not, it sold out in minutes … And here we are again giving this remarkable creation away at silly prices … We must be round the bend, my friends … This exclusive offer you won’t find in the shops, search all you like … Ah yes, a superb investment for the future … A truly magical heirloom that will not only give your children and your children’s children something really special to remember you by … But a lasting testimony to your impeccable good taste … Congratulations to Margaret of Greenock … Colin of Lowestoft, well done … Not only will this exquisite purchase grace the stylish collection in your own personal display cabinet … Not only will you delight in taking it out from time to time and running your quivering fingers up and down its truly sensuous lines … Oh goodness, they tell me the lines are closed … Never mind … Coming up next, my friends, the absolute highlight not only of the night … Not only of the year … Not only of my lifetime … Not only of the whole history of humankind, but …

If this sounds like a spoof, you may be surprised to learn that it’s an almost word-for-word transcript of an actual shopping-channel pitch. OK, I might have taken a liberty or two in the final fourteen words … 


Image result for shopping channel cartoon

15 thoughts on “Coming from a Shopping Channel Near You …

  1. I can believe it, although I never watch any of them myself. I knew someone who was almost addicted to it and kept buying and buying. Their house was full of amazing junk 🙂

    1. Cheers, Trev! 🙂 Reminds me of that character on The Fast Show who’d be sent down the shops and return with the catchphrase “Even better than that … ” And the words in that old blues song – “I’ve a mind to give up living / And go shopping instead”.

  2. “Buy now and we will send you a second one for absolutely free, we will also include a paring knife and a parrot.” Ah the joys of lated night TV, Dave. Well done. I remember a radio preacher that used to promise that he would send you a genuine picture of Jesus Christ, that glowed in the dark if you would send in a contribution, He would also bless you through the radio. Hard to beat that. 🙂 –Curt

      1. I often think of how Madison Avenue and its counterparts around the world have created and jaded how we think, Dave. And while it seems to be a modern phenomena, and it is in terms of its pervasiveness, I can’t help but think of the old ‘snake oil’ salesmen. –Curt

        1. I’m sure you’re right, Curt. In particular, the idea of happiness and social acceptance being tied to particular products has been very damaging. It leads to shallowness. Human rights are too easily tied in with consumption and therefore buying-power.

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