Did you know that there is now just one way to get financial support for new scientific research in Bafflesby? Of course you didn’t. They don’t make it easy to find out these things, do they? So we here at Bafileaks (Motto: Who Drips Wins) have decided to make public the following pamphlet, obtained at considerable personal risk from a display-stand in the foyer of their so-called funding agency.
Guidance About Submitting Projects (GASP)
The public needs good news. Officially authorised research from Professor Tom Eliot over at the 4 Quartets Institute has demonstrated that human kind cannot bear very much reality. Or very much in the way of tax increases. That’s why, from now on, we’re investing in science which delivers purely positive messages.
In a nutshell: if it puts a smile on our faces, you get the funding!
So here are some simple Do’s and Don’ts to stop you wasting your time and ours …
- send us inventions that will make a profit
- produce studies that show we’re getting it right
- offer proof that people can solve their own problems without help from experts
- conclude that throwing money at the problem isn’t the answer
- suggest we leave well enough alone
- uncover problems that require international action
- mention tipping-points or cliff-edges
- bang on about worst-case scenarios
- use big words or long sentences
- recommend expensive fixes or further investigations
We are Avid Believers in Science. We believe it’s out there … somewhere or other. So come in out of the cold, you boffins, and pitch us your plans!
Just make sure you wipe your feet first.
This is not fake news. No facts used are alternative. Only the science is fiction.