Whistleblown!

Did you know that there is now just one way to get financial support for new scientific research in Bafflesby? Of course you didn’t. They don’t make it easy to find out these things, do they? So we here at Bafileaks (Motto: Who Drips Wins) have decided to make public the following pamphlet, obtained at considerable personal risk from a display-stand in the foyer of their so-called funding agency.

Guidance About Submitting Projects (GASP)

The public needs good news. Officially authorised research from Professor Tom Eliot over at the 4 Quartets Institute has demonstrated that human kind cannot bear very much reality. Or very much in the way of tax increases. That’s why, from now on, we’re investing in science which delivers purely positive messages.

In a nutshell: if it puts a smile on our faces, you get the funding!

So here are some simple Do’s and Don’ts to stop you wasting your time and ours …

DO

  • send us inventions that will make a profit
  • produce studies that show we’re getting it right
  • offer proof that people can solve their own problems without help from experts
  • conclude that throwing money at the problem isn’t the answer
  • suggest we leave well enough alone

DON’T

  • uncover problems that require international action
  • mention tipping-points or cliff-edges
  • bang on about worst-case scenarios
  • use big words or long sentences
  • recommend expensive fixes or further investigations

We are Avid Believers in Science. We believe it’s out there … somewhere or other. So come in out of the cold, you boffins, and pitch us your plans!

Just make sure you wipe your feet first.

This is not fake news. No facts used are alternative. Only the science is fiction.

 

Image result for alchemist

 

Image: Pinterest

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15 thoughts on “Whistleblown!

  1. Dave what a spiffing wheeze!
    The Alternative Veracity Indoctrination Department where only the Science is Fiction.
    I like it. (Are you sure you haven’t been watching too much rolling news? I recommend more Molesworth and Milligan. And not so much Trumpton.)

    1. The research doesn’t look good.

      They say the average human’s attention span is… oh look, a bird! According to scientists – ah, what do they know? – the average human attention span has fallen from 12 seconds in 2000, or around the time the mobile revolution began, to 8 seconds. Goldfish, meanwhile, are believed to have an attention span of 9 seconds.

      Er, remind me, how did we get on to goldfish … ?

  2. Ah, it’s good to be back to being baffled, Dave. And on such an important issue. GASP! I knew a group called GASP, once: The Group Against Smoking Pollution. It’s motto was “If you don’t blow smoke on me, I won’t spit on you.” The Sacramento group came to me in the early 70s wanting to know how to gain more support. It was before they had scientific backup about the impact of second-hand smoke. They had to die to prove a point. I suggested that a new motto might help. –Curt

  3. AVID, GASP, BIFF, BASH, bafflesby, bafileaks: love it all. Hilarious!
    I have a similar tendency, and reading this makes me feel normal, whatever that word can mean;) in today’s world.

  4. Happy to be reading about bafflesby again! Also just fyi I am saving your recent three part series for a time when I can concentrate. This past week I’ve been more in scanning mode. Something to do with goldfish.

    1. Haha, some might say scanning for goldfish would be the more exciting choice! Glad you like the Bafflesby stuff, intend to get back to it now I’ve got over 2016 …

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