So it’s official: the latest survey of Bafflesbytes (that’s us, folks!) shows that we’re glummer than we were this time last year! It seems a bunch of negative emotions are jostling for supremacy with disappointment leading guilt, suspicion and resentment by a short head!! And it’s got the boffins scratching their heads about just why we’re all chewing the carpets!!!
Well, when the experts fall out, BLAG steps up to the plate …
Who or what is BLAG, we hear you ask?
We are the Bafflesby Lifestyle Advisory Group, a brand-new cutting-edge fresh-ideas factory, who believe with a deep and abiding passion that our beloved Bafflesby can bounce back. We combine the best of blue-sky thinking with the artful appliance of science to come up with the answers you want to hear.
Wanna hear our story? Betta sit down, folks, we’re gonna blow your tiny minds!
The way we see it, many people have grown so accustomed to chuntering on in bars and pubs about what’s really gone wrong with the damn country that they still can’t believe anybody who’s Anybody is really listening. And many others who have been listening but don’t like what they’ve been hearing can’t believe anybody who’s Anybody should have been paying any attention in the first place.
We’re talking about the kind of conversation that begins: Well, I’m not a florist but why import exotic orchids when the garden centres are full of beautiful English Roses all ready and willing to serve you … ?
Still with us? So far so good, as the actress said to the bishop …
We at BLAG believe everybody can agree that we need a firm hand on the tiller and all hands to the deck to steer the ship of state into calmer waters. [Keep Calm and Shut Up! T-shirts are available from BLAG in many sizes: L, XL, XXL, XXXL, etc. Each one individually handcrafted in Chipping Sodbury for only £99.99!]
Steerage passengers who find themselves suddenly promoted to the bridge and shown lots of pretty lights – don’t worry until they turn red and start flashing! – should sign up for our crash course in how to avoid icebergs. [Our Special Panic Attack Social Management (SPASM) classes are only £99.99 per day, discounts for OAPs!]
Meanwhile, as a free taster for you, our Derivation Etymological Archaeology Department (DEAD) have been scraping the semantic barrel in search of Olde-Englysshe proverbs to cheer us all up. Best avoid foreign sayings, especially anything Olde-Scottysshe such as ‘mony a mickle maks a muckle’. [You what, Jock? – Ed. Monitor]
Sprinkle liberally – or illiberally, you choose! – into the next conversation whenever Messrs Doom and Gloom turn up. [Top Tip: try these out in the bathroom mirror if you’re feeling hungover from the night before as an efficacious palliative, laxative, purgative, emetic, antiseptic or even analgesic – whatever that is, it sounds painful!]
- Charity begins at home
- Every cloud has a silver lining
- All’s well that ends well
- Enough is as good as a feast
- Faint heart never won fair lady
- None but the brave deserve the fair
- He laughs best who laughs last
- Make hay while the sun shines
- Necessity is the mother of invention
- New brooms sweep clean
- No news is good news
- Hunger is the best sauce
- Least said soonest mended
- Where there’s a will there’s a way
- Let sleeping dogs lie
Proverbs to Steer Clear Of for a While
- In for a penny in for a pound
- Look after the pence and the pounds will take care of themselves
- Penny wise pound foolish
- Let not the pot call the kettle black
- It’s a long lane that has no turning
- Fine words butter no parsnips
- It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good
- More haste less speed
- A wet bird never flies at night
Proverbs to Avoid at All Costs
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder
- Forbidden fruit tastes sweetest
- A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
- A drowning man will clutch at a straw
- Look before you leap
- Once bitten twice shy
- Out of the frying pan into the fire
- Pride goes before a fall
- We never miss the water till the well runs dry
- If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
And don’t forget, when all else fails you can always talk about:
- dancing on TV
- baking on TV
- the weather
- and, er …
- … that’s all, folks!
Don’t miss my next post, when the very first SPASM graduate tries out BLAG’s brand-new cutting-edge fresh-idea techniques in the very first post-survey speech to an excited Bafflesby audience … Can he pour water on burning oil, to misuse a DEAD old proverb? [Tickets are £09.99 but WordPress readers get in free!]