And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the turn of our final candidate this evening to try and convince you that he is your best choice for the job of Bafflesby Town Mayor …
“Hi, folks, I’ve got something to confess. Last night I sat down to write this speech, but you know what? I couldn’t. That’s right, my friends, I couldn’t write a single word.
Now that don’t sound like Ewell B. Flush, I hear you say, Ewell B. Flush is always shooting his mouth off. Haha, maybe so, but not last night! Last night, whenever Bafflesby came to mind, my hand began to shake and my eyes just filled with tears. You guys have had it rough.
Believe me, I know, I’ve seen the TV coverage. The quaint old streets of your beautiful battered borough awash with filthy water. Your historic job-centre full to overflowing with the good folk of Bafflesby – decent, honest, hardworking – what a choker! And do you know what I said to myself? Ewell B. Flush, I said to myself, there but for fortune go you! I’m filling up right now just looking at your eager, expectant faces. Yeah, it’s the gospel truth, I’m full of it!
This is a great crowd. I bet we got people here from every part of town. A cross section, as the boffins say, and let me tell you … you have every reason to be cross! You know what, you guys deserve a voice for a damn change! Come on, let’s hear you! Who have we got from Barmcote? Yay! Witsend? Whoo-hoo! Potherfield? Haha! Greater Dumdale?
Yeah, one or two … now, all together, give it up for Bafflesby!!!
See what I’m saying, folks, what can’t we achieve when we stand shoulder to shoulder? Believe you me, if I wasn’t way up here I’d be right down there alongside you! Oh yeah, I hear what you’re saying, what does Ewell B. Flush know about us? What does a multi-millionaire from Nobhill know about life down here on our foolishly built-on floodplain? Well, let me tell you, I’m listening. I hear what you’re saying.
Rest easy, I’m looking out for you. Every day without fail a copy of the Bafflesby Bugle is delivered to Flush Fortifications, freshly-ironed and brought to me on a silver salver. Nothing but the best for Bafflesby, you see! And every day without fail I have it read to me cover to cover, every word, no matter how depressing – even the football news!
Elect me mayor and I’ll buy Bafflesby Rovers!
Only kidding … or am I? Seriously though, I share your pain. And I take special note of the Letters Page. Several correspondents suggest that flood-prevention barriers around my golf course made the flooding of Bafflesby town-centre much worse. I say, sure, the children’s playground was six foot underwater but life is much more than swings and roundabouts.
Scratch that … er, life is no more than swings and roundabouts. You win some, you lose some. No pain without gain. My golf course goes under, the golfers go elsewhere. Golfers are competitive people, they know it’s dog-eat-dog out there. They go to Broad Acres, they go to Par Venue, they go to Leafy Lanes.
Now I know what you’re thinking. What does Ewell B. Flush care? He owns every golf course in the damn country! It’s no skin off his nose. He throws a bunch of golf-course workers from Bafflesby out of work, so what?
Excuse me … so what? Is that your idea of how Ewell B. Flush thinks? Well, it’s my turn now and have I got news for you? You can’t be too greedy but Ewell B. Flush doesn’t just think of Number One, thank you very much. His golf course keeps going, his workers ain’t adding to Bafflesby’s unemployment statistics. We’re talking win-win here. I’m a winner but I don’t play winner-takes-all. Elect Ewell B. Flush and you can all be winners.
Apart from the losers, of course … you can’t have winners without losers. Elect Ewell B. Flush and make sure the losers aren’t from Bafflesby. You all know that Offshaw & Gonn are considering decamping lock, stock and barrel to Dymbleton. You gonna give those jerks down there your jobs? Let’s hear it! Hell, no!
And guess what, an incredibly reliable source tells me that Offshaw & Gonn can be persuaded to stay here if Ewell B. Flush is the new face in town. So I tell him that all you decent, honest, hardworking folks – yeah, give yourselves a round of applause! – will work for peanuts to put their beloved Bafflesby back on the map.!
It’s true, last night I had nothing to say. But tonight I’ve seen the fire burning in your eyes. Tomorrow I’ve a mind to put my money where my mouth is. Elect Ewell B. Flush and we’ll build a wall round this town. Those dopes from Dymbleton are a bunch of lazy freeloaders. They don’t deserve to shine your shoes. You folks have battled in the teeth of a gale. Flash floods, falling visitor numbers, fleeing employment opportunities – a perfect storm! Elect Ewell B. Flush, my friends, and together we can change the weather!”