Readers have been raving about the vibrant and authentic gonzo journalism of our new cub reporter Colum Incheys. Here’s the concluding part of his in-depth as-it-happens on-the-spot up-to-minute down-and-dirty fly-on-the wall report from Bafflesby Fame Academy …
Offshaw & Gonn have received a number of complaints from readers about ‘Uptown Top Ranking, Part One’. All mentioned poor communication skills, although opinion was divided on whether spelling was worse than punctuation or vice-versa. Offshaw & Gonn would like to point out that any reduction in quality is always offset by reduced production costs, a benefit shared with readers through lower unit prices.
The Bafflesby Bugle (Motto: ‘You Get What You Pay For’)
so theres mister star maker his self sat smilin at me in this famus room what i never would of imagind in a million yeers, how cool is that to think how meny big names been there even if yer man were been a bit hush hush about who they was, fare enuff i spose you cant be to care full with all the weardos about nowdays, anyway this flunket dude is sposed to cum in but he never so mister star maker go look for him, i try to reed the brosher but to meny werds jus like mister star maker may be he writ it his self, so i look out the windo for a wile
theres this squeek so i turn round & seen this man cum in jus like a lickle mouse what run round the walls but i seen that he lookin at the famous fotos like chekin they still there, so turns out its his shoe whats squeekin yeah may be it got wet in the fluds, then i wander if its the dude what mister star maker go out to find so i boot me smart fone up
Smartphone Transcription Team – T. Crosser and I. Dotter
- Are you Mr Flunkett?
- Oh … hello, yes, and you are … ?
- That’s right. I’m hopeless with names. Memory like a sieve, you see. Any kind of pressure and it all goes. No idea where. Wild blue yonder, I shouldn’t wonder. Then one fine day, when I’ve forgotten all about it … bang!
- Bang! It’s back! Then I can’t get rid of it. Goes round and round and round. Stops me remembering new things. More pressure, do you see? It’s a never-ending cycle, like being stuck in a horror story. I tell you, without this place I’d be a basket-case.
- The Fame Academy?
- I get nervous, you see. Stage Fright. Now it’s spread to real life. I didn’t even want to come in here and talk to you, can you believe that? I only managed it because it’s today’s Confidence Challenge. I get one a day. Yesterday’s was, er …
- Take your time, dude.
- No good, gone already! And if you can’t remember it, you don’t feel the benefit.
- It might come back to you tomorrow.
- Don’t talk to me about tomorrow. The future makes me dizzy, like standing on the edge of a precipice. And with my memory on the blink, I can’t even remember how I got there. Famous people have to remember things. They have to remember lines and songs and what to say at press conferences. They have to remember names at celebrity parties so they can network with people and become even more famous.
- They don’t remember who they’ve been to bed with.
- Fame Academy prepares you for all that. Anyone can be famous but not everyone can stay famous. Staying power, you see. I’m working at staying in rooms with other people. The only way I could step over that threshold just now was by imagining you could be useful to know in my relentless climb to the top of the tree.
- Well, I am a reporter …
- Famous people have to be one step ahead. But it’s a step into the unknown. One false move and you’re yesterday’s news.
- Like them in the photos?
- Ah yes, I knew them all! Their glittering success is a constant inspiration!
- Well, their bitter failures offer us valuable instruction. They left the Academy too soon, you see, before the lessons of fame could be fully learned. Whereas I –
- Have left it too late?
- Ah, I can tell by your beard and piercings you are a young man in a hurry! The young never understand the importance of patience. Only when we are ready for fame should we seek it.
- When will you be ready?
- When I’ve completed every course, of course! They have so much on offer!
- Yeah, that brochure’s full of it!
- I only wish there were more hours in the … Bang! It’s come back to me! Yesterday’s challenge was to memorise all my Fame Academy qualifications so far! Aha, let’s see how much has leaked out of the old sieve, eh? Well … I can maintain a photogenic expression at all times and face flashbulbs without blinking. I can keep eye-contact with a fan while signing my autograph with a flourish. I can speak to a whole group while convincing each person I’m talking to them alone. I can say things like ‘None of this would have been possible without you‘ and ‘You make it all worthwhile’ to build my fan-base through brand-loyalty. I can present my crib to the crowd through the keyhole, controlling what my décor says about the real me behind the curtains … er, headlines. I can comment on world issues to show my warmth and humanity while saying nothing that might annoy fans with widely differing opinions. I have completed the outline of my autobiography, ready for important and inspiring events to be added the moment they happen. I have an advanced understanding of scandal-management, knowing when to get into it and how to get out of it. And seeing you sitting there fiddling with your phone, young man, reminds me that I’m more than ready to take on the trolls through rapid-reaction response with instant internet-intervention impact.
- All set to go viral, then?
- Er … well, I will be all set after a little more tweaking … the finishing touches, you might say. Tomorrow I start Stylistics …
- Now them I have heard of! (Sings) ‘You make me feel brand new, I think it’s cos of – ‘
- Stylistics is the study of charisma capture. After that I’ll get my Good Attender Discount on Botoxology, Tweetivation and Schmoozography. Which one do you think I should go for first?
- Are those baby statues real gold?
- All that glisters, my boy, do they not teach you proverbs these days?
- Yeah, all that stuff, pronouns too!
- They’re cherubs.
- We never done those …
- You haven’t been listening to a thing I’ve said, have you?
- Don’t worry, dude, I’ll put you on Playback when I get back to the Bugle. You done, or have you got anything else?
- Have I got anything else? Well, there was my work experience on ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Into Here’ … and then there was the time I, er … yes, my friend, I’m done.
to say mister flunket spend his days in a nice place like that with all stachoos & stuff all that gold & marbal & swish furnicher he didnt sound too happy, may be he lookd out the windo & saw them ace cars & gorjus gardins & remebmerd it were all been payd for out of his pocket jus so he coud friten his self about tomorow, be enuff to put any body normall off been famus with all the stuff they got to wory about tho i woodnt mind been the dude what make other people famus, wander if theys any thing on the inter net about it
BAFFLESBY FAME ACADEMY living the dream Namedropping with Nuance How to Photobomb the Famous Leading a Band Co-op by Stealth Do's and Don'ts for the Launch Party Stalker Surveillance on a Fixed Budget Spread the Word with Chinese Whispers Endorsing Cool Charities Help for Has-Beens dreaming the life BAFFLESBY FAME ACADEMY