Well, this year has been a bundle of laughs … not, as the kids would say. Continuing this downbeat theme, I’ve not posted for 9 whole days so thought I’d better not leave it any longer. The festive season has left me (and you, perhaps) feeling somewhat jaded and certainly not up to anything original, so here are ten Christmas cracker type jokes for you not to laugh at. And to help you keep a straight face, I’ve included several pictures of people not having a good time.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
“I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.”
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.
One day a waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain. When a doctor passed by the waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?” The doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”
I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.”
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”Because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
I was in my local pub the other night. I said to the landlord: “This beer is flat, warm and full of sediment”. He said: “You’re lucky – you’ve only got a pint. I’ve got a bloody cellar full.”
I backed a horse yesterday at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
The people next door are awful. At three o’clock this morning they were banging on the walls and screaming. Good job I wasn’t trying to sleep — I was playing my drums at the time.
OK, I cheated on the last picture … couldn’t leave you with another miserable mush when you’re supposed to be feeling festive, could I? And while I’m on an upbeat note – geddit? – here’s wishing you all the best in 2016 … Happy New Year!
I enjoyed these. The one that made me both groan and yet left me strangely impressed was the chess one. It’s not easy getting a pun to work over almost an entire sentence. It reminds me of a joke I heard as a teenager where the punchline was, “You only get tulips from hamster jam.”
I’d like to have heard the joke that led up to that punchline! The comedy scriptwriters Muir and Norden on the radio panel game ‘My Word’ used to specialise in excruciating stories building up to distorted sayings like that. Somehow the Shakespeare line ‘a snapper up of unconsidered trifles’ became ‘a snipe, a harp, a fern, corn, seeded trayfuls’ – but again you’d have to hear the whole story. Reminds me that misheard music lyrics are called ‘mondegreens’ from someone mishearing ‘Lady Mondegreen’ for the Scottish ballad line ‘laid him on the green’. Cheers, Bun!
I wish I could remember the build up to the joke, but unfortunately all I remember now is the excruciating yet brilliant punchline. It can’t be easy thinking up that kind of joke. Anyway, Happy New Year to you, Dave!
Likewise, my friend!
Happy New Year and all the best brother!
Thanks, Mike, look forward to reading more of your excellent posts in 2016!
Thank you for the great laughs! Happy New Year!
And thanks for the fun I’ve had reading about that crazy little town in Northern California … inspiring stuff!
Happy New year with more and more laughs
Let’s hope … cheers, Akhila, keep your lively posts coming!
Great way to end an interesting year Dave. I love a good joke!
All the best to you for 2016 –
What do you call a reindeer who hasn’t any eyes?
No idea.
Opher
Haha, can’t beat the old ones as the actress said to the bishop … and I look forward to hearing more about Opher’s interesting World in the new year!
Misheard lyrics oft from the mouths of babes: dusty fiddles (Adeste fideles), pity mice in plicity (say it fast).
Muir and Norden: “There’s Monet asleep, ‘twixt the Carp and the Leap”.
What do you call a dead deer with no eyes? Still no idea.
Thanks for the fun and thought you have given me as a new follower. I look forward to 2016.
BW. Mike
Some good ‘uns here, Mike, and thanks for supporting me! Can’t find your name on my list of sites I follow and the name above your comment isn’t a link. Please advise, as I’d like to follow you if I don’t already. Happy New Year!