Last Post … of 2015

Well, this year has been a bundle of laughs … not, as the kids would say. Continuing this downbeat theme, I’ve not posted for 9 whole days so thought I’d better not leave it any longer. The festive season has left me (and you, perhaps) feeling somewhat jaded and certainly not up to anything original, so here are ten Christmas cracker type jokes for you not to laugh at. And to help you keep a straight face, I’ve included several pictures of people not having a good time.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

“I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s  no distance.”

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

One day a waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain. When a doctor passed by the waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?” The doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.”

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”Because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I was in my local pub the other night. I said to the landlord: “This beer is flat, warm and full of sediment”. He said: “You’re lucky – you’ve only got a pint. I’ve got a bloody cellar full.”

I backed a horse yesterday at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.

The people next door are awful. At three o’clock this morning they were banging on the walls and screaming. Good job I wasn’t trying to sleep — I was playing my drums at the time.

OK, I cheated on the last picture … couldn’t leave you with another miserable mush when you’re supposed to be feeling festive, could I? And while I’m on an upbeat note – geddit? – here’s wishing you all the best in 2016 … Happy New Year!